“Mr. Zeus, Sir?” Zeus didn’t look up. Dave averted his gaze, lest he be turned into a smoldering pile of cinders like every other mortal who laid eyes upon the god in his natural form.
“Didn’t I tell you that I wasn’t to be disturbed Dave?”
“B-but some individuals are here to see you. They say it’s very important. They said they wouldn’t leave without speaking with you.”
Zeus removed his bifocals. “Fine,” he sighed. “Show them in.” He assumed human form and leaned back in his chair, interlocking his fingers behind his head. Three gentlemen in fine Italian suits walked in. Dave quickly shut the door behind them.
“Ah, Zeus,” said the taller of the three, “a real honor to meet you.” He extended his right hand. “I’ve heard so much about your work.”
Zeus leaned forward, stood up, and met the visitor’s palm with his own. “And you are?”
“Jupiter. And these are my attorneys, Norman Fleishman and Howard Goldfarb, of Fleishman, Goldfarb, Lewis, and Finkelstein.” The two men nodded in the direction of the Greek god.
Zeus sat down and returned his eyeglasses to his face. “Well Mr. Jupiter …”
“Jupiter,” the visitor corrected. “It’s just Jupiter.” He reached for the Scotch Zeus kept on his desk. “Do you mind?”
Zeus shrugged. “Help yourself.”
Jupiter poured himself three fingers worth of the liquor and took a long, hard swallow. “Peaty. Good stuff.”
“Glad you like it.” Zeus leaned back in his seat. “Now, what can I do for you?”
“Well,” Jupiter said, smiling, “it’s really more like what I can do for you.”
“Not sure I follow.”
“I’m your replacement.”
“My what?”
“We Romans conquered Greece. You didn’t know?”
“Dave,” Zeus shouted, “do you know anything about the Romans attacking Greece?”
Dave shouted back. “Hermes delivered a memo. Didn’t you read it?”
“Memo? What memo?” Zeus rifled through an Olympus-sized stack of papers. Jupiter reached into the pile and produced a bright red piece of paper.
“Here it is. ‘Romans determined to attack Greece.’ See?” He waved the paper in front of Zeus’s eyes.
“When was that sent?” He raised his voice again. “When was this sent, Dave?”
“Not sure. Awhile ago. When you were on vacation,” was his assistant’s response.
“Actually, it was sent in August,” said Norman Fleishman of Fleishman, Goldfarb, Lewis, and Finkelstein.
Zeus rubbed his gray temples. “August? When the heck is ‘August’?”
“It’s a month we Romans came up with. Part of a whole new calendar actually,” Jupiter said, pulling a small calendar from his pocket. “See?” He offered it to Zeus. Zeus ignored it. “Well, it takes some getting used to. But you will.” Jupiter returned the item to his pocket.
“Well, just because some of your people have taken Greece doesn’t mean I need to be replaced.”
Jupiter sat on the edge of Zeus’s desk and leaned in toward the Greek. “Actually, it does. You see, people are tired of the old way of doing things and have adopted our customs now. You would have noticed their discontent if you weren’t out fornicating with every mortal you could.” Jupiter shook his head.
“It’s not against the law.”
Jupiter poured himself some more Scotch. “Look at you. You’re old, Zeus. You’ve let the future slip away while hanging onto the old ways. But your people haven’t. They’re moving on. Progressing. It was inevitable. Change is always inevitable.” He took a sip from the glass. “But I’m here to relieve you of the burden of ruling a people with whom you’ve lost touch.”
Zeus looked at Jupiter and folded his arms across his heaving chest. “Well, I’m not leaving.”
“Come on. You don’t really want to do this the hard way.”
“Who’s going to make me leave? Your lawyers?” Zeus flicked his wrist. Lightning bolts flew from his fingertips and smashed into Misters Fleishman and Goldfarb of Fleishman, Goldfarb, Lewis, and Finkelstein, leaving two pairs of smoking leather Gucci’s where they once stood.
There was a light knock on the door. It opened. Four men in Italian suits walked in and stood where Fleishman and Goldfarb were once standing.
“They’re like the head of a hydra. You kill one, two more takes his place.”
“You mean the Jews?” asked Zeus, low.
“Lawyers.” Jupiter leaned in closely. “Look, I know this isn’t easy for a god, losing your followers, seeing a culture you’ve ruled for thousands of years crumble, but this sort of thing is inevitable. Mortals are finicky creatures. One day, you’re a powerful and vengeful god that they fear and admire, the next, you’re like rotten fish wrapped in old parchment. But I’m offering you a way to exit gracefully. Besides, the changes are already in place. As we speak, Pluto is helping Hades clean out his office, Venus is, um, helping Aphrodite. Heck, even Mars is helping Aires wipe the blood off of his rusty weapons and getting them ready for packing. They know it’s time to move on, to retire.”
“You’re replacing all of us?”
Jupiter smiled. “Makes the transition easier. Speaking of which ….” He stood up, walked over to the door, and opened it. “You can bring it in now.”
Two men in overalls wheeled a dolly of what was a huge statue covered in a cloth into the room. Jupiter pointed at the towering marble sculpture of Zeus slaying a monster standing in the corner of the office by the massive window overlooking the Mediterranean. “You can put it over there.” The men steered the veiled item to where Jupiter indicated and removed the sheet. The statues were identical, except the new one had a small tree sprouting up between god and beast.
“Oh, come on,” Zeus declared. “It’s the same gosh darn thing. We even look alike.”
“Identical, actually.” He reached into his pocket and pulled out some gold coins with his face,
Zeus’s face, emblazoned on them. He handed them to one of the men in overalls. “Thank you. You can take the other one away now.” They carted the statue of Zeus out of the room.
Zeus looked at the new statue closely. “I thought you said my people were tired of the old ways.”
“This is different.” Jupiter was pointing at the sculpted tree. “Yours didn’t have this. See? ”
“Seems a bit contradictory, don’t you think?”
“I’m a god. I’m supposed to be ironic. Besides, we need to have the mortals ease into the change. The Babylonians did it with the Sumerians; you guys did it with Troy. I guess it’s really all the same after awhile.”
“Who’s to say someone won’t come knocking on your door to replace you one day?”
Jupiter shrugged. “If it does occur, I hope it’ll happen only after I’ve had the kind of run you’ve had.” He lowered his voice. “And as long as people don’t figure out we’re not needed for them to survive on this planet, I just might get a few centuries out of this job,” he chuckled. Jupiter offered Zeus his hand. “Now come on. Isn’t it nice to know you can relax for all of eternity now without worrying about finding new ways to keep humans in line?”
Zeus nodded. “Finding new ways to enact my wrath does wear on the soul after awhile. People are so petty and annoying.”
Jupiter smiled. “So are gods.”
“Well,” replied Zeus, pointing at the statue, “they do make us in their image. So what happens now?”
“You sign some papers my lawyers have for you to sign, then you retire. Finally get yourself some rest. We have a nice home set up for you in Tuscany. It’s beautiful.” Jupiter put his hand on Zeus’s back and led him toward the door. “Do you want to take anything with you?”
Zeus surveyed the room. “Nah. Keep it all.” They shuffled toward the door. Zeus stopped at the threshold and looked at Jupiter. “Tell me something.”
“Yes?”
“What do you think we’ll be remembered for, the Greeks?”
“Well, your art. And your alphabet will survive, mostly to identify fraternities and sororities. And the ideals of some of your better-known philosophers, like Plato, Socrates, Aristotle. What else?” He picked at his beard, thinking. “I suppose your plays, the tragedies mostly, when you and the other gods would drop from the heavens and save the day. Oh, and geometry of course. Something needs to frustrate future generations of students.”
Zeus took another step. “Anything else?”
“Olives.”
“Olives?”
They reached the door. Jupiter turned the knob. “Olives,” Jupiter echoed. Zeus stepped into the waiting room. The two gods shook hands. Jupiter smiled. “And anal sex.” He closed the door.
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